Massive Ass

Frame of Brain

I read a ridiculous article recently relating big asses to big brains – something to do with a higher level of Omega-3s and major brain development. As I peer down at my upper thighs, I can literally see my brain expanding. Pass the Oreos folks; science says it makes me smart.

As I think about it, it kind of makes sense. If I had been cast in the 70’s series Three’s Company, it would have been as Janet. In Charlie’s Angels, I would have been, you guessed it, Sabrina. In this life, I am cast as the smart, practical type.

Despite my Southern upbringing, I never saw myself as nor wanted to be a bombshell. When I was 17, I had a roommate who was the ultimate bombshell-type and I remember clearly the influence she had on my definition of style and more importantly, my definition of beauty. I would borrow her pink, fuzzy sweaters and extra-thick makeup, but thank God I never bleached the brown out of my hair like she did. That year for Halloween, or the day all women think they get a free pass for their inner tramp, I donned some of her bombshell gear and went out as a sexy devil. I can say that I honestly never felt more ridiculous.

More than a wee bit tomboyish, I know more about the atmospheric makeup of Neptune than I do about applying makeup. I would rather walk around barefooted than walk in the latest women’s high-heeled footwear. I prefer a well-organized backpack to a designer handbag and find more of myself along a rugged trail than I do on the freshly toweled lounge chair of a five-star resort.

Always the smart, practical type, I do love science. Speaking scientifically, of course, let’s focus in a bit because it is not my ass and its mass, which are truly the subject at hand here.

Mass is defined as the characteristic of the total energy and momentum of an object or system that is the same in all frames of reference. Let’s think of a frame of reference as a position or point in time. Let’s take me as an example – I am a 42-year old wife and mother of two (+ a puppy). For the sake of discussion, let’s also assume I am the object and that this is my system at a precise moment in time. Then, let’s say the time period began on or about when I was born in 1972.

You see, age and current life stage is not who I am, it is only where I am currently located. The mass in this example is the true me – the practical, barefooted, non-bombshell, Neptune-loving me. The true me, just like the true you, grows and evolves, but never changes at its core. The current frame of reference is 2014, middle-aged mother of two. Depending on the frame of reference, a mass can be influenced by a pageant queen roommate or get forgotten amidst the chaos of life.

I hope that I am only halfway through my journey, and albeit slight, this is the wisdom that I have collected so far. Don’t forget that the frame is not who you are, it is only your temporary position and will inevitably shift forward. Mass, your energy and momentum, is what matters most. Not the mass of your ass, but your total mass. Be true to your mass – feed it, put it in environments that bring out its flawed beauty and try your best not to let other (m)asses mask you, limit you or convince you that you are someone you are not.

When I reach the end of my journey and my frame has taken its last position, I hope to do so with my mass and my ass intact.